I'm Off in La-La Land

There are no excuses to what I've done to myself. None whatsoever.

I'm in a bit of a tailspin and I'm hoping and praying that I can get it under control soon. I think that the worst thing about it is that everyone around me thinks that everything is hunky-dory. The problem is that it's not. I'm dipping into a bit of a funk that I'm worried will have turned into a deep-set depression by the end of the month.

You see, it's all about babies. I have baby fever. Conceiving and carrying children is my #1 motivation for losing weight right now. But, I see that another friend is pregnant, or hear about a teenager who pops up pregnant and it just reminds me that I'm not. It used to be okay, but now it's even getting hard to feel happy for my friends, especially those who already have one or more. I know that's an ugly way for me to feel, but it's hard to shake.

I'm droopy and, unfortunately, food tends to be my comfort and strength. I cook to relieve stress and soothe myself and I eat what tastes good for immediate pleasure. I know that this is super detrimental and counter-productive, but I just don't care in the moment.

My prayer is that over the next few days I will be able to sit down and re-evaluate every aspect of my life. I need to rely on God, not food, for my comfort. I need to take a walk or a jog, not cook, when I need stress-relief. It is so hard, but I want to do it. I honestly just don't know if I can. I hope I can. I really, really do.